I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
