Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
