Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
