i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had sex on a roof
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
