Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
