Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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