I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
