before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
