Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
