This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
