i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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