U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
