Betty ford says i'm here all night
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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