I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
