you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
