i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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