Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize