so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
