I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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