just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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