Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
