1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
