Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
