Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Randomize
