so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just invented taco cereal.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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