dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
