My sheets look like a crime scene.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
