Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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