we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
