I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
