know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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