U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
