Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
