you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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