Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
