having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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