I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
