At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
