just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
