That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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