yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
