Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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