Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
