Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
