you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
