I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
