No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
