Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
