How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
