hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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