he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
