I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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