the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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