Tell her she can't have a vagina
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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