I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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