i jhust puked up my retainher.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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