My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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