im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Are my feet made of real feet?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sext me about skeletons
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
