So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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