The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
