I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
