We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
