What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
