I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
